Saying Goodbye to our girl

It has taken me a while to write all this out, mainly because it was the most difficult day of my life. I have cried just writing this post, because re-living the goodbye is so very painful.
No matter how prepared you may be, leaving your child behind in another country is gut-wrenching. We have fallen in love with our daughter, she belongs in our arms. 
Nothing but red-tape stands in the way of bringing E home. I cling to the hope that she will be in our arms again very soon.


I woke up with dread. I knew this day would be so very difficult. I decided to put it in the back of my mind and enjoy the time I had left with E.



 When we arrived to HH, E was grumpy for the first hour or so (as usual!) Her special mother did an excellent job getting E to play with us. I am forever grateful for these women who have loved my daughter. I can never thank them enough for all they have done to prepare her, and nurture her for the love of a family.

E warmed up to us in no time, and by the end of the day her first words were "Dada."

I am not at all jealous. Yes I am. No I'm not.

We played lots of peekaboo and E rode around on Nate's shoulders.

As our time at HH came to an end that same sense of dread came over me. I handed over the picture book I made for E's birth-family. The staff was very interested in it, and I even saw one crying as she turned the pages of pictures and read what I had written.

Those words to E's family were from the bottom of my heart. Even across cultures love and loss is understood.

That is about the time my tears started too.

I did my best to hold it under control, but it was all over when Nate starting the waterworks, also.

We played with E the best we could for those last few moments. And then we heard it was time to say goodbye.

E was in such a great mood, so we decided to have her special mother come get her. We wanted her to leave on a positive note with us. As soon as her special mother saw our faces, she too teared up.

Before long, we had a mini-crowd watching us. I saw a few special mothers crying as we mumbled through our "Chao's," forced smiles, and kisses to E. Our little girl smacked a big kiss on the lips to each of us, it was really endearing.

We loaded up in the van, and headed back to the hotel. As we got out our driver said,

"I will really miss you guys." That didn't help our tears!

Nate and I headed upstairs and pretty much lost it. I have never felt so sad before. I have never seen my husband so sad before. 

After we had some time to cry, we were able to spend the evening enjoying dinner with a couple of the other traveling families. It is so nice to have the understanding and journey with people who know exactly what you are going through.

 

Later that night, we boarded our plane and made the long trek back to our home.

The only thing missing is a piece of our hearts in Ethiopia.

HH day 5

We went to Hannah's Hope early in the morning. We spent the day with our little girl blowing bubbles with mama and riding around on Daddy's shoulders. E reached out twice for me to hold her, and the same for Nate too. We were encouraged with how safe she was starting to feel with us as we spent more time together.

E ate injera and lentils for lunch. She let Nate feed her, it is adorable to see those two together!

We spent the day playing and playing with lots of giggles and loves. It was an amazing day!

When it was time to go, E cried because we had to leave her. It broke my heart that she was feeling sad, but reassured me that she will bond deeply to us. I got choked up when we left her little crying face. Her special mother brought her out to the front patio and they waved "chao" as the van drove away.

One of the other families traveling with us was saying "goodbye" to their little one at that time. It was an emotional time, and seeing them go through it made me realize how hard saying goodbye is.

There is nothing right about having to leave your baby behind.

The poor little tear-stained face E had. I left HH knowing that saying goodbye the next day would be excruciating.

After our visit, we had a chance to drive around the city again. It was our second attempt with a taxi driver to find the Compassion International Office to drop off a care package for the two children we sponsor in Ethiopia. Because the community was gearing up for Ethiopian Easter, the office wasn't open. We will try to arrange something on our next trip back.

Driving around the city, we felt the poverty and despair so overwhelmingly. What an eye-opening experience this has been.

We are so very blessed.

Our day at Court

It was our scheduled day for court to gain legal guardianship of E. Our driver picked us up and we drove deep into the city. I started to feel myself get a little bit nervous.

We arrived to the courthouse and hiked up four flights of stairs to sit in a room. I noticed other Ethiopians around I believe to be legal representatives, and possible birth parents/birth family members. There were also many European couples present as well.

It was nerve-wracking as we waited for our turn to appear before the judge.

Finally a woman opened the door and we stepped into a room along with another family from our agency. The judge was a young lady, and very beautiful. I was surprised by her youth. She asked us several questions to which we answered "yes."

Then the judge said, "She is all yours."

We felt relieved and celebrated with some pizza....Ethiopian style. Although we are recognized as E's parents in Ethiopia, the adoption is not yet recognized by the U.S. This is why we must take two trips to Ethiopia. The first for court, the second for the Embassy.

After lunch we went to Hannah's Hope to visit our new daughter. I helped her with a bath and she even used the potty in front of us.

Every visit always starts out with a warm up period of 30 minutes to an hour of E being a little grumpy towards us. By the end of this visit Daddy's arms were exhausted from carrying E around. She really loves her Dad.

A Tour of Addis

We took a 5 hour tour with another family of Addis squeezed into the back of an '81 Toyota. The taxi driver, Sisay, was our tour guide. The city of Addis has thousands of people walking around.




Children are playing by the side of the road where vehicles have no driving rules to follow. Horns blare, pedestrians cross, cars zip by one another. It is so different from America.


The poverty is everywhere and overwhelming to see. I knew we would witness the poverty and despair, I just didn't realize it was EVERYWHERE. I suppose I expected to be in certain parts of the city instead.



Sisay drove us up out of the city into the countryside to a place called Entoto. Ladies carried large bundles of sticks on their back up and down the large hill. People walked 2.5 miles just to get to a water source.



People lived in dilapidated shacks, and children roamed the streets. The kids are not afraid to come up to us.


Our tour also consisted of a couple of museums including the University and the home of the "Lucy" remains. Very little security for one of the oldest archaeological finds.

We then did some shopping and bartering.




The tour was a wonderful experience yet at the same time extremely difficult. Beggars would tap on the window of the car and just stand there asking for money. It is illegal to give them anything. Every now and then, I noticed our taxi driver quickly giving someone money.


Sisay also took us to a famous coffee shop and we tasted extremely strong coffee.

Even with such despair everywhere I noticed that most people in the city had cell phones. It was bizarre to see someone driving a rickshaw pulled by donkeys and see them talking on an iphone.

Of course we spent some special time with our girl that morning too. It was a good day filled with lots of smiles.

HH Day 3 and more....

Warning...long and sad.

We had a better day with E today, thank goodness. At first she was still a bit grumpy, and cautious of us. Even though I want to scoop her up and love on her, I am so thankful that she has a healthy bond to the caregivers she knows. She has been through so much in her short little life, and I hurt for her that she will have to transition again into our family.

Thankfully it will be the last adjustment she will need to make.


I was able to go into the lunchroom while the kids all ate. I was surprised that E was being fed by her special mother.....she really is treated like a baby still. I sat down and tried feeding her myself and she would have none of it! Ha. She is a sassy little number.

Afterwards, she marched right into the baby home and laid down for a nap. I was in shock that she didn't put up a fuss at all. She is on a tight schedule. It has been hard to visit during the times we are scheduled because E is so tired. Her special mother said she will nap a few hours a day.

Luckily, the nurse had E go outside with us instead of napping. Nate was able to cuddle her. He turned music on his phone and E loved that! She wore my sunglasses while bopping her head to the music. It was precious. She was laughing and giggling so hard. Talk about the cutest moment.

After our visit, we made arrangements to purchase a goat and take it to one of the other orphanages (Enat). I wanted to visit a special little boy there that has been waiting for a family far too long. His name is S.

The goat was purchased for about $75 and hog-tied to the top of our van. Wow. What a funny experience. I still feel sorry for that poor goat.

Nate and I arrived to Enat and the goat was able to join two others in the courtyard. They will be eaten after Ethiopian Easter.

The Enat orphanage was overwhelming for me. I know that it is not anywhere near as bad as some places can be (one orphanages in Addis has 600 children), but it was nothing like Hannah's Hope.

The first baby room we went into had 8 babies. I picked one up around 3 months old, and noticed he had soaked through his clothes. I walked around with him, he made eye contact and smiled a lot.

We went to the next baby room with 7 infants laying two to a crib. None of them made a sound. A couple were being syringe fed with a g-tube. The nanny's there were very sweet, but they had too many children to care for.

We then made our way to visit S. He is a 4 year old boy with cerebral palsy. It was very, very difficult. S was in a small room by himself. He was laying in a crib. Not a single toy was in the room. There was 1 single photograph of him on the wall above his crib.

His nanny picked him up and he started to cry when he saw us in the doorway. S was obviously scared. She moved him to a large Bumbo-type chair (the only other item in the room). I started to talk to him and he stopped crying. I gave him my sunglasses and he started to giggle and smile. Nate began showing him pictures on his phone. There was a photo of me, and S smiled and looked directly at me. Then he saw a photo of Nate and smiled and looked directly at him. I was able to tickle S, hug and kiss on him. He was laughing and interacting with us. He spoke a few words to his nanny while we were there.

We stepped out of the doorway and that is when we couldn't hold our composure anymore. It was the most gut-wrenching moment of my life.

The hardest part is that a family and access to health care would take S so far. He appeared smart, and less affected by the CP than I anticipated. Sitting in a crib alone all day is not what he deserves.

We spent time with the director and the staff had a coffee ceremony for us in appreciation. The director was an amazing woman. She spoke honestly of how S needs a family and a chance. She asked us to find one for him. It was a promise I wanted to give her so dearly.

It was time to go visit E again. I cried the entire way back to Hannah's Hope for little S.

When we arrived E was wearing the outfit I brought her, she let me sit with her and we did the music/sunglasses routine again. Nate picked up the big kids all at once and bounced them around. They kept laughing and laughing. It was a really fun visit.

I don't think I will ever be able to get S off of my mind. I'm not sure what to do to help, but I feel compelled to do something. Possibly collect donations? Bring people over to fix up the orphanage? Paint his room? Bring toys?

Most of all I want find him the gift of a family.

2nd Day at Hannah's Hope

After our initial visit with E going so well, I thought for sure that she would start back up where she left off the next day with us. Not so much....

At first she was a bit stand-off-ish again, so we just sat down next to her and showed her the picture book and the photos from the day before. She seemed to like that. Then she devoured one of the applesauce squeeze snacks I gave her and she insisted on walking around with the empty container showing everyone her snack.

E's specific special mother was there today, and boy...E is very attached to her. I think that was the main issue specifically today as to why E wasn't really wanting to play with us. E fussed and whined a lot, and then eventually tolerated me holding and playing with her. I initially thought that she wasn't feeling good today and asked to speak with the doctor. The doctor will come in later they said, so hopefully we can talk to her about E. She just seemed to not be feeling well. Overall today was completely exhausting and frustrating.

The staff kept encouraging me to take and hold her, but it was hard for me to be making her so upset. I finally just told them to please take her away, and let her settle down. It was too overwhelming for me to feel like we needed to "force" her to be near us. It was emotional for me and poor E.

We played with the big kids for a while E went to eat. One of the older girls braided my hair in cornrows. She did such a good job, and was very proud of her handy work. I wore my hair the rest of the day like this-even out to our cultural dinner. One little guy, "D" took a special liking to Nate. He kept coming over to him and pointed "up" and grabbed Nate's arms. It was really sweet so see him snuggle Nate.

After E ate lunch, we found her sound asleep in the baby home. Nate and I just sat and watched her and the special mother's care for all the other babies while they napped. It was impressive that the specific room had 6 kids in it, all sleeping and requiring a bottle on the same clock. They are on a schedule! It was especially comforting to see they way all of the special mothers acted with the kids and babies. It's obvious that there is a lot of love and attention given to each child.

Before it was time to go I went and gave E some sweet kisses while she slept. Hopefully tomorrow she will be feeling better and we can have a less traumatizing day.

Nate and I headed back to our hotel and had a 3 hour nap. Then we went with the other traveling families to a cultural dinner and dance ceremony. It was a great time, and neat to see all the different dances from the different regions of Ethiopia. We video taped a lot of it for E to watch as she gets older.

Meeting our Girl....

To our surprise we met E today! She is just awesome. We arrived to the Hannah's Hope gates, and when they opened there she was sitting on a little bench sunbathing with the babies. I instantly teared up a bit, what a sweet sight she was. I held myself together and walked inside. She didn't want a thing to do with us, ha. It was a reassuring thing to me, though. She has healthy stranger-danger.

I handed her a doll then she smiled real big and snatched that thing out of my hands! She is a cute and sassy little one, ha! Her and Oliver will be quite the pair!

After a half our or so she let me walk around with her holding her hand. She would point where to go, and stop and love on her baby. She insisted on caring every toy we gave her too. She might be the size of an 18 month but acts like a 2 1/2, or barely 3 year old. The big kids came over and tried to check out E's new stuff, and that's when she asked me to pick her up. You better believe I loved that and didn't put her down for a long time! We snuggled, she let me kiss on her to. I love her.



She also let Nate walk around with her too. The special mothers were telling E that we are her mama and daddy. She flipped through the album we brought her, and watched a little video of Oliver on our phone. She seemed very interested in him.

We finished up some paperwork with Tsigie, one of the Hannah's Hope staff. She was a very sweet woman. After our paperwork, E wandered into the baby home (we had been playing outside). We then found her sound asleep with all the other babies, with her new doll and backpack right next to her. Absolutely adorable.

While E rested we spend the rest of the time with the big kids. They took my heart! One of the older girls (around 6 years old) kept hugging me and saying, "mama?" and then point to Nate and said, "Papa?" I had to say I was E's mama, but this older girl melted me. I think she has been matched with a family, so that makes me happy.

The older kids loved taking videos of themselves on our phones and jump-roping. We loved every minute at Hannah's Hope.

Leaving on a jet plane....

We leave in a few days and we are so ready to meet our daughter! The stress of packing and the dread of a 24 hour flight ain't no thang compared to the anticipation of meeting E.

Whenever I imagine seeing her for the first time I get emotional. I'm hoping that I will be able to hold it together when the moment actually arises. The last thing we need during the first encounter together is me doing the ugly cry.....on video. Trust me, once I start the waterworks they are difficult to turn off! I blame genetics.

I've been able to get snippets and photos here and there about E from other traveling families. Here is a funny little story one mama shared with me (special mothers are care takers at Hannah's Hope orphanage , FYI).

Have to tell you, one day they had just had baths and E was seriously running around the room buck naked giggling hysterically. The specials mothers and I were laughing so hard, she was just too hilarious!

Isn't that funny? Sounds like our girl is having a good time, and adjusting well to Hannah's Hope. I've heard so many amazing things about HH, I can't wait to experience it first hand. It sure makes the wait for E seem a lot easier on me.

And here are a couple more pictures of our precious girl.

(Of course, we still can't show her cute face.)